I'm 22 today. I never thought I would reach this far. Haha, not that I thought I would die young, it's just that, four or six years ago, I felt I knew everything I had to know about life. Sometimes I think I was wiser when I was 16 than I am now (okay I'm harping on the younger days, a sign of aging).
And all I needed to know, I learned from Ally McBeal.
People used to say that if I were to become a lawyer, I would be exactly like her. Well, I won't be a lawyer, but I guess I still have a bit of Ally in me. I used to watch that show with pen and paper in hand, jotting down quotes. Talk about educational tv (or me in my dorky stage). Trite as it may sound, those McBealisms, Cageisms and Fishisms were my salvation. Ingrained in my mind like the mysteries of the Rosary are to some people (not me), they inevitably guided me through my quirky, serious, funny, melodramatic travails. Ally gave life to the thoughts I was afraid to say and the emotions I felt but didn't convey. I was glad to affirm them through her, even just to myself.
I've never shown my Ally quotes to anyone; they were my secret weapon for survival. But now I think it's time to share my little treasure. I am, after all, 22. And, looking back at all those years of trying to grow up and half forcibly making my way through this labyrinth, I think it's about time to say thank you to that little, neurotic voice inside my head, which sounds a lot like a naive Chicago lawyer dancing to Vonda Shepard's song as she waits for the love of her life.
Says Ally:
The real truth is that I probably don't want to be too happy or content, 'cause then what? I actually like the quest, the search. That's the fun. The more lost you are, the more you look forward to. What do you know, I'm having a great time and I don't even know it.
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I think I need to believe that it works...love, partnership, the idea that when people come together, they stay together. I have to take that with me to bed, even if I have to go to bed alone.
Whoever said that plenty-of-fish-in-the-sea thing was lying. Sometimes there's only one fish.
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We're allowed to believe in something we know does not exist.
What's so great about the real world, anyway?
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Who says it has to be a man's world?
(I never thought it was.)
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This isn't pain I'm feeling. It's nostalgia.
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Sometimes the things we regret the most are the things we never do.
Sometimes when you hold out for eveything, you walk away with nothing.
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I like being a mess. It's who I am.
Who wants to be balanced? Balance is overrated.
---
Georgia: What makes your problems bigger than everyody else's?!
Ally: They're mine.
(O, sino pang lalaban dito?)
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Not all of the best lines came from Ally, though. On this note, I'd like to say, I miss John Cage!
I'm as entitled to my happiness as you are to your misery. --Elaine to Ally
You cannot cure loneliness with a compact disc.--Richard Fish
The thing about hope is that people wish the opportunity never presents itself because then there's the possibility that that hope might be dashed. --John Cage
No second thoughts. When theere's two, there's three, then four, then you'll end up thinking forever. --Richard Fish
And last but not least:
If you play back your year and it doesn't bring you tears of either joy or sadness, consider the year wasted. --John Cage
Hmm, I've cried a lot this year, the past several years in fact. So I guess I'm having a pretty great life so far. :D
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I'm not sixteen anymore. I've obviously covered far more ground than the tiny tv screen, and got to know people other than the fictional characters I met on primetime. I've encountered real people and real things that have made me who I am today. Ally will remain a voice in my head, just that.
But for all the things she said to me, I am deeply grateful. I believe her, just as she believes in all of us, and knows in her heart of hearts that one day, we will all have our happy endings.
And hey, at least I already know at 22 (or 16) what she discovered when she was 32. ;)
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Searching My Soul
I've been down this road
Walking the line that's painted by pride
And I have made mistakes in my life
That I just can't hide
But I believe I am ready
For what love has bring
I've got myself together
Now I'm ready to sing
I've been searching my soul tonight
I know there's so much more to life
And I know can shine a light
To find my back home
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